Dear future self
I wasn't planning on sharing this to the public, I wrote it in a time of self reflection and vulnerability.
I originally posted this on my IGTV, and got so many powerful responses that I felt this needed to be shared on youtube as well.
For those of you that need it to be translated,
here's the full message:
Dear future self,
About 4 years ago from this video, you watched your mom go from superwoman to her death bed in the course of 6 months. Once she passed, You looked for someone to replace the gaping hole in your heart where your moms love used to be. not sure who or what would numb the pain, you kept moving, working full days to create a financially stable life for yourselfā¦and you were only 17.
you stumbled upon what you thought at the time was love. you gave it your all, and in return you traveled the world with little money and learned lessons that forever changed you. You hopped from country to country catching eyes of people all over the world as you watched a simple social networking app become the hungry marketing tool it is today.
but the instant gratification didnāt last, and you knew it in your heart, continuing down the road of fame wasnāt the answer, but you kept going- hoping to find acceptance in an industry that feeds off insecurities. the world of stylists, doctors, make up artists, the fake it till you make its, the plugs, and the managers. It has its charms, with the pretty clothes, and pretty people, but take off one layer and it will reveal to you what we all truly feel. Lost. You watched people lose their self in the hustle of that industry, heck you were one of them.
Remember the anxiety attacks, mood swings, insomnia, eating disorder and needing constant validation from external sources? you were a wreck and anyone within a mile radius could see that. you wanted to be perfect, but that perfectionism is the thing that almost ruined you. You were following down the same path as your mother, wanting to be everyones everything because you couldnāt face yourself.
another year went by trying to gain the happiness you saw in those above you, not understanding what you were missing. The people around you looked at you confused as to why you were unsatisfied with the life you were so gifted with. You couldnāt shake the feeling of being an imposter. One who represented self acceptance yet became crushed under the weight of her own self depreciation.
After endless rejections, and listening to thousands of comments a day telling you who you are, you cracked. You were lying to yourself, and therefor lying to everyone around you, and the guilt from that weighed on you.
You realized how distant you had become from the values you once held so deeply. No amount of money or fame could give to you the fulfillment of being in alignment with who you are. You realized all that soul talk Allie kept yammering into your head was the voice in your heart too.
Now that Iām here, writing this to you, I hope that you are still going down the path that I am currently creating. I hope that you are doing your part in this world, making it a slightly better place no matter how small the action. I hope your relationship with food is healthy and you are giving your body the nutrients it needs to be strong. I hope that youāve formed relationships based love and support and I hope the brands we are creating are as artistically fulfilling as they are successful and are helping to financially support our family.
I hope you find unconditional love and trust in yourself and youāre able to slow down to embrace each moment for what it is.
I love you and we got this.
P.S. You better be mediating...And flossing.
I wasn’t planning on sharing this to the public, I wrote it in a time of self reflection and vulnerability.
I originally posted this on my IGTV, and got so many powerful responses that I felt this needed to be shared on youtube as well.
For those of you that need it to be translated,
here’s the full message:
Dear future self,
About 4 years ago from this video, you watched your mom go from superwoman to her death bed in the course of 6 months. Once she passed, You looked for someone to replace the gaping hole in your heart where your moms love used to be. not sure who or what would numb the pain, you kept moving, working full days to create a financially stable life for yourselfā¦and you were only 17.
you stumbled upon what you thought at the time was love. you gave it your all, and in return you traveled the world with little money and learned lessons that forever changed you. You hopped from country to country catching eyes of people all over the world as you watched a simple social networking app become the hungry marketing tool it is today.
but the instant gratification didnāt last, and you knew it in your heart, continuing down the road of fame wasnāt the answer, but you kept going- hoping to find acceptance in an industry that feeds off insecurities. the world of stylists, doctors, make up artists, the fake it till you make its, the plugs, and the managers. It has its charms, with the pretty clothes, and pretty people, but take off one layer and it will reveal to you what we all truly feel. Lost. You watched people lose their self in the hustle of that industry, heck you were one of them.
Remember the anxiety attacks, mood swings, insomnia, eating disorder and needing constant validation from external sources? you were a wreck and anyone within a mile radius could see that. you wanted to be perfect, but that perfectionism is the thing that almost ruined you. You were following down the same path as your mother, wanting to be everyones everything because you couldnāt face yourself.
another year went by trying to gain the happiness you saw in those above you, not understanding what you were missing. The people around you looked at you confused as to why you were unsatisfied with the life you were so gifted with. You couldnāt shake the feeling of being an imposter. One who represented self acceptance yet became crushed under the weight of her own self depreciation.
After endless rejections, and listening to thousands of comments a day telling you who you are, you cracked. You were lying to yourself, and therefor lying to everyone around you, and the guilt from that weighed on you.
You realized how distant you had become from the values you once held so deeply. No amount of money or fame could give to you the fulfillment of being in alignment with who you are. You realized all that soul talk Allie kept yammering into your head was the voice in your heart too.
Now that Iām here, writing this to you, I hope that you are still going down the path that I am currently creating. I hope that you are doing your part in this world, making it a slightly better place no matter how small the action. I hope your relationship with food is healthy and you are giving your body the nutrients it needs to be strong. I hope that youāve formed relationships based love and support and I hope the brands we are creating are as artistically fulfilling as they are successful and are helping to financially support our family.
I hope you find unconditional love and trust in yourself and youāre able to slow down to embrace each moment for what it is.
I love you and we got this.
P.S. You better be mediating…And flossing.
