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Kevin Hart’s funniest moments going after talk show hosts!
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Transcript : Iâm Ricky Gervais, thank you. Youâll be pleased to know this is the last time Iâm hosting these awards, so I donât care anymore. Iâm joking. I never did. NBC clearly donât care either â fifth time. I mean, Kevin Heart was fired from the Oscars for some offensive tweets â hello? Lucky for me, the Hollywood Foreign Press can barely speak English and theyâve no idea what Twitter is, so I got offered this gig by fax. Letâs go out with a bang, letâs have a laugh at your expense. Remember, theyâre just jokes. Weâre all gonna die soon and thereâs no sequel, so remember that. But you all look lovely all dolled up. You came here in your limos. I came here in a limo tonight and the license plate was made by Felicity Huffman. No, shush. Itâs her daughter I feel sorry for. OK? That must be the most embarrassing thing thatâs ever happened to her. And her dad was in Wild Hogs. Lots of big celebrities here tonight. Legends. Icons. This table alone Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro Baby Yoda. Oh, thatâs Joe Pesci, sorry. I love you man. Donât have me whacked. They all have one thing in common: Theyâre all terrified of Ronan Farrow (the journalist who broke the Harvey Weinstein sex abuse scandal). Heâs coming for ya. Talking of all you perverts, it was a big year for pedophile movies. Surviving R. Kelly, Leaving Neverland, Two Popes. Shut up. Shut up. I donât care. I donât care. Many talented people of color were snubbed in major categories. Unfortunately, thereâs nothing we can do about that. Hollywood Foreign press are all very racist. Fifth time. So. We were going to do an In-Memoriam this year, but when I saw the list of people who died, it wasnât diverse enough. No, it was mostly white people and I thought, nah, not on my watch. Maybe next year. Letâs see what happens. No one cares about movies anymore. No one goes to cinema, no one really watches network TV. Everyone is watching Netflix. This show should just be me coming out, going, “Well done Netflix. You win everything. Good night.” But no, we got to drag it out for three hours. You could binge-watch the entire first season of Afterlife instead of watching this show. Thatâs a show about a man who wants to kill himself cause his wife dies of cancer and itâs still more fun than this. Spoiler alert, season two is on the way so in the end he obviously didnât kill himself. Just like Jeffrey Epstein. Shut up. I know heâs your friend but I donât care. You had to make your own way here on your own plane (instead of Epstein’s Lolita Express private plane) didn’t ya? Right. Seriously, most films are awful. Lazy. Remakes, sequels. Iâve heard a rumor there might be a sequel to Sophieâs Choice. I mean, that would just be Meryl just going, “Well, itâs gotta be this one then.” All the best actors have jumped to Netflix, HBO. And the actors who just do Hollywood movies now do fantasy-adventure nonsense. They wear masks and capes and really tight costumes. Their job isnât acting anymore. Itâs going to the gym twice a day and taking steroids, really. Have we got an award for most ripped junky? No point, weâd know whoâd win that. Martin Scorsese made the news for his controversial comments about the Marvel franchise. He said theyâre not real cinema and they remind him about theme parks. I agree. Although I donât know what heâs doing hanging around theme parks. Heâs not big enough to go on the rides. Heâs tiny. The Irishman was amazing. It was amazing. It was great. Long, but amazing. It wasnât the only epic movie. Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, nearly three hours long. Leonardo DiCaprio attended the premiere and by the end his date was too old for him. Even Prince Andrew was like, âCome on, Leo, mate.Youâre nearly 50-something.â The world got to see James Corden as a fat pussy. He was also in the movie Cats. No one saw that movie. And the reviews, shocking. I saw one that said, “This is the worst thing to happen to cats since dogs.” But Dame Judi Dench defended the film saying it was the film she was born to play because she loves nothing better than plunking herself down on the carpet, lifting her leg and licking her pus*sy. (Coughs) Hairball. Sheâs old-school. Itâs the last time, who cares? Apple roared into the TV game with The Morning Show, a superb drama about the importance of dignity and doing the right thing, made by a company that runs sweatshops in China. Well, you say youâre woke but the companies you work for in China â unbelievable. Apple, Amazon, Disney. If ISIS started a streaming service youâd call your agent, wouldnât you? So if you do win an award tonight, donât use it as a platform to make a political speech. Youâre in no position to lecture the public about anything. You know nothing about the real world. Most of you spent less time in school than Greta Thunberg. So if you win, come up, accept your little award, thank your agent, and your God and fuck off, OK? Itâs already three hours long. Right, letâs do the first award.”